Westward Thoughts

As I am sure you are aware my ex-wife and I have decided to make the commitment of divorce. For me this was such a scary word wrapped in emotions of pain, hatred, and anger. But is that what it has to be? Does the future with myself, my children and my ex-wife (also known as my best friend) have to be one of resentment and pain, or could it be something very different. Could it be a journey of discovery, a journey of a new and better relationship with her and the kids, and just maybe could it be a positive journey of growth and discovery that causes a family to grow, and not break apart?

When it comes down to it, we have been on this journey for several years. It has been a very long journey that is not over, and in reality may never be over. With children involved there is no such thing as cutting ties and moving on. That simply can't happen... Sure people do it all the time, father become absent causing the kids to wonder what they did wrong. The feelings of resentment and betrayal never go away and a level anger will remain deeply embedded in who we are.

My parents where like this. They had a horrible divorce including violence, anger, and outward maliciousness. As a child I watched helplessly as they fought, and tore each other down. I was an innocent bystander to the destruction of my family. At the time I did not feel innocence and nor did I feel to be a bystander, but was thrust into the middle of such adult emotions that I was simply incapable of understanding. Why did two people who loved each other at some point, who together brought 2 children into this world, who had built a family unit work so hard to destroy it so completely. I did not understand, and assumed I was part of the problem. This of course lead to me acting out for attention, creating habits of behavior that followed me into adulthood and into what was suppose to be adult relationships. There was direct damage done to me due to the outward immaturity of my parents, the two people who were suppose to love me unconditionally...

Oh what a horrible thing it was, and oh poor me... That is a feeling that is acceptable when you are 12, it is a natural response to a horrible situation for an immature and growing child. This however can not last, I could not continue to blame my problems on the actions of two people, even if they were my parents. As an adult I had to decide for myself what I wanted for my future, I had to choose what emotions I would continue to hold on to and allow to influence my actions. I had to step up and be the adult now.

... passing of time ... marriage, children, carreer, happiness, sadness, success, and failure ...

Now divorce is here. I am now again a single person no longer bound to the convents of marriage. This however in no way removes the responsibility I have to a family I was part of creating. The woman that stood next to me and supported me and shared my life for 15 years, how do I now see her now? Do I choose to hate her because we grew into different people than we were at 20 when we married? Do I choose to resent her because she was brave enough to vocalize what we both saw as clear writing on the wall? At first I almost did.. The journey taking us to the point of admitting it was not going to work took a very long time, years even. We would go so far as to lie to our friends and family. They looked into this marriage and created an image of perfection, and we did nothing to detour this view. Maybe it was a little of the fake it till you make it mentality, not sure really and maybe more analysis is required, but that is for another time... The question now is what does the future of our relationship and family hold, how do we take a difficult situation and make it positive?

I have never questioned the higher level of emotional maturity of the female species. The evidence is clear and the scientific studies into the sexes has time and time again proved it. This is not an attempt to degrade myself or put women on some sort of pedestal. I am fact and statistics based and the statement simply falls to the side of truth. So when my wife finally sat me down and said this can no longer continue as it is, I was destroyed and assumed my world was over. But something was wrong with my perception, there was something not right. When I stopped being angry and trully looked into the eyes of a woman I considered my best friend, I did not see hate, I did not see anger, it was the woman I always knew she was. I was forced to ask myself if my perception was being influenced by the situation, or by my past painful experiences. Was this really a horrible thing, or was it truly an opportunity to grow, become happier, and find what I was missing?

As we talked, and we did talk.. at a level I don't think we had talked in years. As the shedding of tension trying to force out of this other person what I felt I needed from them, and really began to accept what they as a friend who cared for me could provide, the situation changed. I began to see not an end, but a beginning. Not some evil destruction of the family I loved, but a new begining with great and awesome possibilities.

I began to imagine a world where I could continue to support my best friend as she supported me in finding what will make us truly happy. We are still so young, and to assume that at 20 we were prepared to make a lifelong decision was naive. This does not suggest I feel the decision was a mistake. Would I counsel some one at 20 to do the same, no I wouldn't. I would encourage them to wait, and be positive. But sometimes the heart is stronger than rational thought and we make a leap of faith. I certainly did at 20, and now looking back with hindsight providing perfect vision, I am glad I did. I have no desire to imagine my life different than what it is. Even small changes in the past will ripple through and make us completely different people. I am a better person for my marriage. I had the opportunity to spend 14 years with a terrific woman and have 4 great kids. To even consider changing that hurts so much more than the requirement to grow and see a different future now.

Predicting the future is impossible, we can only plan and work to make them happen. So what is our plan, what are we doing to make this family whole? The first and what became obvious is we are not moving out. So I am working on completing my bedroom claiming half the garage. Personal boundaries and strict lines have been established and contractual negotiation is just about done. Will it all be easy and roses, of course not... Will there be problems, hurt feelings and frustration, yes of course... But will this be better than the alternative, with out question. I will take the discomfort of having to grow, mature and become a better person over the pain of failing to be the best dad I can be, and a great friend to a women that has all ready made me a better man.

"Our family has changed, and just maybe someday it will grow, but it will always be our family." - Chuck

*Now I will begin to blog about the journey into the world of dating. Holly crap that is hard!

- I am batman