Westward Thoughts

Most of us can remember back fondly on our first love. And not that sweet crush in grade school on a teacher or the girl across the room. But that first real knock you to the ground and kick you in the stomach love. Maybe it was the first time you were “intimate” with a person in that ohh so special way. Maybe it was just the innocence in their eyes, their magnetic personality, or just a connection to another soul that can not be explained with words.

I bring all this up as I was recently reminded of that very sweet time in my life. The emotions and feelings came rushing back and it brought a smile to my face. I was honestly startled by the memories and the emotions. All though most startling is how long ago it was, more than 17 years now. So after regrouping from realizing how old I was, I could look back on it.

Boy was I dumb. It goes from the completely moronic all the way to the absolute chaotic... The relationship did not end well, and from the 20/20 hindsight vision I know it was no ones fault. Well at least no one had more blame than the other. This girl was truly my best friend, she knew more than anyone about me and my deepest wishes (which at the time I think was my desire to rule the world, heh). However when it did end, I had trouble letting go, my heart was shattered and destroyed. I felt at the time like I had been hit by a Mac Truck running full speed. It was the most devastating thing I had ever experienced. I felt betrayed and that I could trust no one ever again.

Again hindsight being 20/20... It was really not that bad. The worst part turned out to be me, I was simply a complete ass about it. Because of my reaction to what was a logical end to a wonderful first relationship cost me a true friend. I was never able to separate the progression and termination of a an infatuation from the reality of a friendship.

There is no way to recover that time, there is no way to rewrite history or take back what has all ready been done. Even if it could be done, I am not sure I would want to. Those pieces of our past the ones we are not very proud of, are often the dominant portions of our character. We carry with us those disappointments of our past into every relationship after to try the next time to do it right.

I know I am not perfect and would never claim to be. If I did I know my wife and kids would remind me the areas I am lacking :-). But I do know that I am a better person for my mistakes. I know I am a better husband and a better father cause of both the great experiences, and the ones that make my face cringe when I think of em. There are mostly certainly times in my life I would rather not recall, but they are who I am and I must in spite of it all be proud of me.

- I am batman!